Being a mum is hard. Yes it's amazing and rewarding and any other positive words you can think of, but it's really hard.
Being a mum is the most important thing in my life, and don't get me wrong I wouldn't give it up for a second, but the ideal of motherhood isn't always what I thought it would be. A picture, probably created by other judgemental mums pretending to have it all worked out, is painted and if I don't fit into it it's like a failure. This perfectionist view must be made apparent to the outside world, the mask of a perfect happy family can't slip. It's sad because the person who judges me the most is me. I want, almost need, people to think it's no problem.
The choice to be a mum was mine. If people see my family's imperfections, squabbles or downfalls they might wonder why I made that choice. Admitting that it's not all it cracked up to be all the time would be an announcement of my failings.
Am I allowed to say that being labelled as a mum, just a mum, can be hard, exhausting and even lonely at times. A day filled with constantly forfronting the needs of others and climbing a mountain of housework that never ends can be really boring. I shouldn't be saying this, it's selfish and opposes everything that being a mum stands for. But I can't help that, for me, it's true. Of course there are times when the babes are so good, they listen to what I'm saying, play nicely and genuinely are the sweetest and funniest people I have ever met. But those moments don't erase them trashing the room I've just tidied or throwing food at the walls.
I think people focus on the positives, so that's how I compare and judge myself, on how many positives I can take from a day. Some days it's not that many and that can make me feel rubbish, then I feel guilty for feeling rubbish. I think I need to focus more on the fact that I'm allowed to feel rubbish sometimes, some days are rubbish! That doesn't mean tomorrow will be rubbish too.
Everyone has an ideal of what kind of parent they will be, how they will bring up their kids to be the best people they can be. I had an ideal but that went out the window a while ago now. I'm just kind of winging it.... And I'm ok with that. Some days are hard, but I face each challenge as it hits me in the face and, I think, I'm doing ok. Other people might think differently but other people don't matter.
Having my family is the best thing I ever did, but that doesn't mean I have to strive for perfection, I can't be bothered. My family isn't perfect and I'm glad.