I never in a million years was naive enough to think having two boys with an age gap of just fourteen months would be plain sailing or anything but hard work, but just recently I have had my moments of honestly thinking we may have taken on too much. I love my babies, truly, madly, deeply, but they push me to the edge of my sanity on a near enough daily basis. I keep telling myself it's just timing, Logan is teething, wanting to please himself, seeing Connor able to do things he can't frustrates him, and pairing this with Connor hitting the dreaded terrible twos sets me up for a daily meltdown. I don't mean that I have had enough to the point I lock myself in a dark room leaving the kids to get on with it, but that's not to say I haven't felt like it! And at times the whining and whinging has driven me to shed a tear.
Daddy is a great support, as are Grandma and uncles and aunties, I have a fab support network around me who are more than willing to help out when I need them...but maybe it's a stupid thing that I don't want them to know I need them, I want to be able to take care of my children and still come across sane, happy and together while doing it. I chose to have these boys and don't like to admit that sometimes it can get too much for me, luckily dad knows exactly how I feel and takes control back for me when I lose it, I am so glad to have him around as I am not too proud to say that I couldn't do it alone! I take my hat off to single parents.
I am a good mum, I know I am, I would never do anything that would put my babies in any sort of potential danger, I'm not depressed, I'm tired and stressed, but most of the time I am happy...I love my family and love our life, just at the moment some days can be hard work. I know it will get easier, at least I think it will, the older the boys get the smaller the gap between them will seem, the more independent they will get, just for now I take each day as it comes, how can you completely plan a day, when you wake up not knowing what seemingly tiny mishap will completely throw you off, a tantrum or cleaning a nappy explosion whilst simultaneously fighting with the wearer.
I am a good mum, but like a lot of mums out there I want to be a better one! I have ideals of days out with the boys that are completely unrealistic, I know this but it still doesn't stop me wanting them to be achievable. I want to look effortless to the outside world, like being a mum comes easy, the loving and caring comes naturally so why can't the rest? Why can't I plan to leave the house utterly prepared for any situation in five minuets? Instead it can take up to half an hour and a giant tantrum just to get out the door and find I've forgotten something necessary. I know other people must share these experiences, emotions and feelings, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to swallow the fact that I am finding it difficult. Through pregnancy I was warned over and over that my world was about to turn upside down, inside out and back to front, but only now I am starting to realise that it happened.
I wouldn't change my decisions for anything and like I say most of the time my life is such a happy one, I am totally in love with the three people I share my home with and I know that these are the days I will look back on in years and wonder what all the fuss was about, but for now I just need a vent, I need to not be worried or embarrassed about what people think of me knowing that it's not all roses all the time, like I want them to think it is! I'm tired of feeling that I might be judged because I admit defeat on occasion, being a mum is hard! But it's also the best and most rewarding thing I ever did.